Gnu Park
2011
Hunting Laptops On The Free Market
I was spring cleaning the attic this morning when I made an amazing and surprising discovery. Inside an ancient teachest, under a dusty stack of Wired magazines, I found a crumbling manuscript bound with a simple dressing gown cord and a few paperclips for extra stability.
As I carefully unfolded the torn pages I made a brief scan of the Comic Sans text and realised something truly astonishing – what I was holding in my hands was from the days of web 1.0! Dumbstruck with awe I carefully attempted to read the full script, but without the reassuring backlight of my Apple iPad the task was unbearably difficult.
With the help of a team of blind monks I have now successfully analysed the document and can reveal that it dates as far back as possibly 2009 and is the diary of an average 21st Century member of the proletariat, detailing his trials as he tries to find a decent laptop. Working day and night I have successfully transcribed the fascinating account onto my netbook and here, exclusively, I can bring you a rare peek into this previously hidden treasure:
Monday, Friday, January 18, 2008
Today might as well have been Friday the thirteenth considering how awful it’s been. Went to university in the gloom and rain, came home in the gloom and rain. As I was crossing Wandsworth Bridge I thought I saw a psychotic mime wielding a bunch of stinging nettles looming towards me through the mist. As I ran for my life I tripped over a patch of hard air and my laptop went flying over the side into the grey Thames water. Lying in the gutter, having just thrown two-year’s worth of work into a watery grave, I looked up to see my would-be assailant was merely a boy scout in a cape carrying a pint of chocolate milk.
When I got home we were out of milk, must remember to buy some. Guess I’m going to have to spend my weekend getting a new cheap laptop then. At least I had nothing else on.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
I was all set to leave the house and embark on a spot of laptop shopping this morning and was just studying the map to find the best way to my local electronics store (I may have walked it hundreds of times, but you can never be sure) when I noticed a spelling error in the labelling of nearby Penomenomesophylcapple Row. Well, you can imagine my shock. I immediately realised that is was my responsibility to analyse the entire A to Z in search of inaccuracies, document them and send a stern letter to the publishers. At 1am I finished my task and returned to bed, there were only three mistakes, including a tea stain on page 84, but I think the public will benefit greatly from my correction.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Came exceedingly close to getting a new laptop today, I made it to the High Street and everything. Unfortunately by that stage I was bleeding quite furiously from the bites round my shins from the tiger I’d annoyed when I accidentally stood on it’s whiskers whilst hiding in the bushes from a particularly aggressive fieldmouse. Also, the shop was closed. Went back to bed after a brief visit to Accident and Emergency.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Went online and bought a laptop, LCD TV and extra laptop memory from Ebuyer.
An extraordinary tale, I think you’ll agree. I’m heading to a museum now which has expressed interest in the document as part of an exhibition on diaries of liars.
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